Why am I so unsatisfied in my work? Why am I so unsatisfied in my romantic relationships? Why can’t I ever get what I want? Why don’t I get seen or recognized for the things I do? Why do I always finish last? How did I get this way?
I’ve always had the thought do a favor before you need one. I always found away to insert myself in to others lives in a way that could be describe as helpful, kind, thoughtful and giving. Now most people would take away from that is, that I’m a good person. That I enjoy making other people happy and seeing everyone get along.
We are taught to be good girls and boys and that comes at a cost. What happens if you are not good? It usually results in isolation (time out), shame (how dare you), or physical abuse. We are taught to be good above all else.
I believe that Good is a social construct.
A social construct is something that exists not in objective reality, but as a result of human interaction. It exists because humans agree that it exists.
I like a lot of other people, I am obsessed with being seen as good. The only way I know how to do that is be exactly what you need and want regardless if it’s authentic to who I am. I found over the years that I would get into countless friendships, jobs and relationships with this dynamic. I was trying to play a role I could never truly played was killing myself to do it. I found myself resentful towards the others that didn’t see my effort, my sacrifice and my ability to endure. I told myself I was a good person because I was in constant pain being who I thought others wanted me to be. This got me nowhere. I was stuck in the victim mentality.
I only got connection to the degree I was able to meet others needs. If I’m good to you then you will not abandon me. If I am good then I will get __________. If I work hard and give up on my self care then I deserve that job or recognition. One of the the most common themes was getting in to relationship with men that told me that they never wanted to get married or have children. Both of which I have always wanted. I found myself giving up on both of these dreams of mine to keep the connection between me and someone that didn’t really capitalize on my best interests. I lived out the dynamic for 33 years of my life.
I was racked with questions I could never ask. I felt that even bring up the subject about these things would cause rupture in the relationship so I kept it to myself.
Imagine being in a relationship that you can’t even talk about what you want and need for fear that you will lose connection. A lot of us live like this. We deny our wants and desires because we value the connection to our family, higher power, friends and work colleges. We value the optics of being seen as good.
This is a breeding ground for resentment. You see these dynamics play out in a majority of relationships. The husband that was always gay and he stays with his wife even though he is in pain and unhappy for the good of the family. The kid that is told to be a doctor or he will not make mother happy. The child that is a cookie cutter of the father in sports and is going to play division one but really wants to be an interior designer. They do they hold out? Why is it so hard to say no, that isn’t in my best interest? The wife that has a strong business sense and would make an amazing CEO but decides to forgo that and be at home with the kids that she never really wanted. Even the thought of doing something in ones best interest is looked down upon. If you are not giving up something or sacrificing for the good of the family you are seen as bad or selfish.
This is also true of the small little white lies. When you are not yourself of the sake of someone feelings. The leads to people down a path of placation and inauthentic relationship. Why is it so hard to tell mom that her green bean casserole is not that good? How may white lies do you tell for fear of rupture in the relationship?
Let’s ask the deeper question… Where did we learn this? When did this become ok? At some point in your childhood you learn this. That if you were not good that you either lost connection to your caretakers, were shamed, guilt tripped or physically abused. I experienced all four. This is why I was a bonafide People Pleaser. I can get my needs met in a round about way if I please you.
Humans rely on connection above all else. A lot of people think that food and water are the most important but, think about your last heartache or the loss of someone close. You give up the food and water with ease. We are born not being able to care for ourselves. The needs of the baby must be met or it will die. At some point we start to learn language and are socialized. Most of which is taught in the construct of GOOD and BAD. Ask the question GOOD or BAD for whom? In who’s best interest are we being taught this construct? I would say 9/10 times is in the parents best interests. Now that is a hard pill to swallow but think about it. I know parents teach kids things so that later they can take care themselves and the parent won’t have to worry about them. Just like the mother that pushes her son to be a Doctor… so she knows he will be ok and take care of himself. That is not in the son’s best interest it’s in hers and hers alone.
We are taught this from such a young age that we give up on the inner voice that tells us to go for what we truly want and is in our best interest. We have lost touch with ourselves for the sake of the relationships and connections. Why do you think it is hard to make decisions like find a new job or stay in the shitty one? It’s been ingrained in us to take someone else version of what is good for us, which is usually what better for them.
You might find yourself thinking well how do I repattern that? How do I stop doing that to my own children?
I’m here to tell you that there is hope. That I have successfully made this change in my life. It was not easy and sometimes I fail. But the awareness that I have can’t be unseen and unheard.
I know a lot of people will not agree with me and I expect that and here is why…
What does it mean if I was right? What changes in your life would you have to make? How will your relationship to your Mother, Father and people you hold close change? That is a scary thought that most people will not want to face it. It’s easier not to see it.
For those that do see it there is away to stop the pattern of self sacrifice and people pleasing. You can have authentic and safe relationships. If you are ready to live for yourself and act on what is truly in your highest good and best interest I’m here to help. Start your healing and awareness today. Book a free 30 minute exploratory session at Kristeena1111.com